Since my life has been completely turned on it’s axis, quarantine can go F itself. There. I said it.

It’s funny to me that when I’m right here, stuck in my house, I feel so completely and utterly lost.

This feeling isn’t here all the time. Most of the day, I’m focused on feeding the kids, homework (lord there’s so much homework), cleaning up, making sure the dog goes out to pee, washing clothes, running the Dyson, making the beds, reminding kids to flush the toilet. But when all is quiet or when no one needs me for a sweet span of 30 seconds…

Feelings creep in that make me feel like – what the heck am I doing?!

I’ve owned my dance studio for a beautiful (but not always painless) 14 years. I’ve been the cool teacher, the mean teacher, and many other names that might not be the best idea to share here. But it’s been a wonderful business that allowed me so many creative outlets to express my love for costuming, staging, and choreography.

But it’s pretty much nonexistent now.

I’m stuck with this whole other life that I didn’t ask for, and I’m living in it like a poser in a picture.

I miss my old life. Going to work and wearing leggings and a high bun every day. I miss the hustle and bustle of spending the day in the car. Filling up the gas and the grocery cart. Taking yoga class. Scheduling monthly facials and getting a bikini wax, getting my nails done. My housekeeper folding my laundry and never quite getting the piles separated completely right. Tossing dinner in the crock pot in a hurry and some days not making dinner at all. Pouring into bed at an ungodly hour, scrolling pinterest while my eyes can barely stay open, only to repeat the whole saga again the next day.

This pandemic has thrust me into a life that many people would LOVE, and that notion isn’t lost on me. Yes, I love and very much wanted both of these boys, this house, this husband, these pets. But I came into this life with certain parameters. And yet…

The parameters of my former life no longer exist.

And while I feel guilty for feeling frustrated or unable to fully fill the needs of my boys, I also have to remind myself that I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS.

Yes, I am grateful for my children. I love hugging them, spending time with them, and feeding them a rushed lunch before we run over to the playground or the zoo. I shared all of those things with my work, my business, the first baby I ever had. Some weekends I would be away traveling at a dance competition and only see my kids via Facetime. Others, rehearsal would take all day, and I’d make it home in time to warm up dinner that was delivered from Waitr hours earlier.

Sometimes I’d have a random day where I could sit in my pajamas (preferably Mickey Mouse ones), bra-less all day, taking a break from the hustle and bustle of life. Ahhhh…the good ole days.

It’s OK to feel lost right now, to feel like I have to get dressed and wear shoes just to feel some sense of normalcy. It’s OK to spend time working on nonsense that doesn’t really get me anywhere but around the constant loop, only to start again the next day.

This is nothing compared to those on the front lines.

I am so grateful for those who chose a career that is all of a sudden much more dangerous than they planned. They didn’t ask for this life either. Who ever said that they wanted to go to nursing school to be on the front lines of a worldwide pandemic that’s killing people daily and has no cure other than to make people comfortable in their last hours?

Nope. No one says that.

And while this may not be popular opinion, everyone is on the front lines of something. I am on the front lines of holding the house together, making sure it’s clean and tidy, and that dinner is cooked; I did not ask for this life either.

Educating my children is a challenge when I have no control over the lesson planning.

I’m a smart cookie. I have an MBA. But I would never choose busy work over life experiences. I was in the top 25% of my high school class AND had an extensive extracurricular schedule. And yet, I chose to be a dance teacher and small business owner rather than going to do some smarty pants, book smart thing. Bottom line is, your heart leads you in the direction you need to go.

If it was up to me, we would be doing reading lessons on Harry Potter and science experiments in the garden. We’d be splitting syllables up in hopscotch squares out in the driveway. We’d be driving around and counting how many times we saw the letter T on signs. But instead…

I’m a Home school teacher without any control over the curriculum. I can’t decide what we teach. I can’t decide where we go. All I can do is think that maybe tomorrow I’ll get to poop in peace.

I didn’t choose this life…the coronavirus chose it for me.

And while it’s easy to get frustrated and fall into that self destructive pattern of wondering where the heck this is all going…I need to take the good advice I’ve been given. And I’m gonna pass it on to you. Ready?

Make life decisions when this is over.

That’s it. Decide on your life when this situation is in our rear view. We don’t know when that will be, and we don’t know how long it will take to get there. But we can’t make any kind of big life moves while this is all still surrounding us. We can’t possibly see ahead while the fog is this thick.

So let’s all stay the course together. Let’s get up, drink all the coffee, put on some actual pants (if you’re feeling like it), and follow your heart. You have something to share in this life you’ve been thrust into. It may feel bleak and useless, and trust me I share in that feeling most days. But you’re being given the opportunity to do what you feel like doing instead of staying on the merry go round that you created in your own life.

Get off the merry go round…for now…and just LIVE.

Man, I’ve never felt like the phrase “living my best life” made more sense until now. How about you?

If you want to read my other Covid-related post, here you go! It’s got a great throwback pic of me. You’re welcome…LOL.