Date myself. What does that even mean?

The idea of it seemed foreign 7 months ago when friends and family told me to love myself first before I started dating other people. But it didn’t make sense. Why would I continue to be alone after having been lonely for so long? My marriage was ending, and I just wanted to find companionship…someone to take me out, pay attention to me, all of the things I’d wanted from my spouse but didn’t get.

I went on a series of dates, and most of them were fine. Some of them were crazy, but that’s par for the course when you are “dating” right? I didn’t know any better. I hadn’t dated in 17 years.

It wasn’t until after the last date I went on that I asked myself, “What are you doing?” The guy was handsome, charismatic, smart, and even funny. But he was also an arrogant, cocky, know-it-all that lost interest in me and moved on to the next girl the following day. And when that didn’t work out, he moved on to the next girl. Two more girls within a week of our meeting each other.

He wasn’t a “bad” guy though. He was searching for something just like I was. And that something wasn’t me.

So again, I asked myself:

What are you doing?

I realize that I just wasn’t the right girl for this particular guy, or any of them for that matter, but why? Why was I going on a series of dead-end dates with no connection to anyone at all? One possible reason was that I just wasn’t meeting the right people. But another reason, and likely the correct one, was that I wasn’t able to connect with anyone because I wasn’t connected with myself.

I realize this sounds like some new age bullshit, and trust me, 7 months ago, I would have agreed with you.

But the fact is, I was in a committed relationship to a man for 17 years who didn’t communicate that he was falling out of love with me. I was blind to what was happening around me and I lost my connection to the person I truly am, inside.

Cue the Mulan song. I know you’re singing it…

When will my reflection show who I am inside?

After the “closure” convo with that last guy, I needed to figure out what my next move was. I’d already deleted every dating app, but I’d been scrolling and swiping for months.

Bored in the car? Swipe. Using the bathroom? Swipe. It had become a mindless habit that I knew would feel weird to quit. But, I knew I wouldn’t be good for anyone else unless I was good with myself.

This plan is just beginning, but I thought the logical place to start would be to use the Five Love Languages as a basis for how I treat myself. I took the quiz awhile back while I was still married, but my preferences have since changed and my results changed too. Here’s what I have so far:

1. Quality Time: This is my primary love language. I’m going to dress up and take myself out on dates, just like if I was going on a date with someone else. Perfume, jewelry, the works. I’m going to spend quality time with myself doing things that I would love to do with a partner. This is hard for me because I’m a people person, and I usually surround myself with friends and family. Very rarely am I alone. But if I can find comfort in being alone, then I will be more equipped to devote time to a partner in the future.
2. Words of Affirmation: This is my second love language. I’m going to tell myself often and out loud when I think I look good, when I impress myself, and when I am proud of myself. If I can accept the words from myself, it will become easier to accept them from someone else.
3. Acts of Service: I’m going to do nice things for myself, like listening to my body when I’m tired, making sure I exercise and drink enough water, and doing what is necessary to serve my body and my mind in ways that make me stronger.
4. Physical Touch: I plan to learn myself again, in new and different ways. Taking baths, self massage, stretching, and other ways to explore myself before I allow a partner to do the same.
5. Gifts: Gifts from a partner is last on my list of love languages, coming in at a mere 3% importance. I think this is because I have always bought myself what I want, when I want it. But instead, I’m going to focus on buying myself little gifts that I would be happy to get from a partner.

I deleted the apps 6 days ago, and I have felt the urge to go back. But I believe it’s more out of curiosity and to distract myself from the real work at hand. I have to learn to love who I am, in this current moment, and not a future version of myself that I’ve created in my mind.

Since my ex husband left, I’ve always focused on “when this is over” and not what is happening right now. When this is over, I’ll be on my own and independent. When this is over, I’ll be in a loving and caring relationship, and I won’t miss my marriage. After all of this, I’ll be thinner/prettier/calmer/etc.

But this won’t ever be over. I realize that. I won’t ever stop mourning the loss of what could have been. And so, instead of looking back OR forward, I’m looking right in the mirror. I’m looking at me, loving me, and taking myself out for a good time. I believe I’m finally in a relationship that’s going to work out.