No. See? I just did it.

But somehow, we know that saying NO is a situational thing. Every opportunity we have to say what we really want to say carries so much more weight that just a simple two letter word. It seems so easy, but it’s not that simple.

I used to be such a “Yes” girl.

I would say yes to just about anything because I didn’t want to disappoint those around me. I didn’t want people to think they couldn’t come to me when they needed something. But the REAL reason, that I almost didn’t want to admit to myself, is that I wanted people to say “yes” to me when I needed THEM. I made sure to say “yes” as much as I could so that later, they could return the favor.

Some of y’all are SMH so hard right now. I feel it.

The thing is…many, MANY people are focused on themselves. As they should be. When it comes to how we spend our time, energy, and money, it’s important for those decisions to come from a place that makes sense to us…that fulfills us on a deep level. When we say YES to too many things, we aren’t coming from a place that’s authentically ours. In my experience, it’s coming from a place of fear of the future. And when we make decisions out of fear…well. Historically, that’s never gone well.

I’m working so hard to say NO to things that don’t make me feel good. It’s really created some peace in my life, and I’m able to get more done and avoid many uncomfortable situations.

But what about when someone ELSE tells you no…or doesn’t tell you anything because they haven’t come to a place where they’re able to make a decision?

I was that person once. I know that weird space between being an asshole and being nice. The scale is a precarious balance. Here’s an example.

I have a “friend” that’s like my kryptonite. For whatever reason, I feel a strong magnetic pull to being in the same space with this person, but they don’t substantiate plans. They don’t say “no” but they also don’t say “yes” and that bridge of indecision is so much harder to handle. After I’ve done all this work to say yes to what I love and no to what I don’t, why am I now aligning my feelings and time with someone who can’t do either? My gut feels one way, but my heart and head feel another.

My gut wants to say yes.

Have you done your human design chart? This is my favorite one. My chart says that my decision making authority is my gut and that when I lean into what my intuition says, that’s always going to lead to the right choice for me.

My gut says yes to whatever this friend can give me. Yes to any time spent together on their terms because I realize that their indecision doesn’t have anything to do with the quality of my friendship. With the quality of the time I’m able to offer. With the quality of my conversation, my company, my overall vibe. Their indecision has to do with their inability to decide on what they want on a deeper emotional level and their deep-seeded issues with commitment (particularly because people – women – have disappointed them throughout their entire life). And my gut says to be there for them in the background until their emotions level out. Until they’re able to say YES.

My head and my heart want to say no.

No to the constant feelings of being a last resort. No to time spent together only on their terms because I have the need to feel companionship too. To feel appreciated and wanted and seen and heard. I realize that their indecision hurts me, makes me feel like I’m not a first or even second choice. My head and my heart say NO (maybe even screams it) because it doesn’t make me feel good to wait in a space of indecision, even if eventually they are able to look at what I’m offering and say YES.

So what in the hell can we do now?

We’ve personally done the work of saying yes or no and not waiting in the indecision space, but those we want to share our choices with are stuck in indecision purgatory. We can’t make decisions FOR them. (And people with my “right now” personality want to make the decision so damn bad.) Making a decision FOR them might seem like a choice. It might seem like we are doing what needs to be done to have a decision made, to move forward.

Imagine yourself making the decision, clapping your hands, and walking away. Only then, you walk back to that decision to check how it’s faring. And then you restart the whole process over again. That’s where I am.

In this case, you don’t need to say yes or no. You don’t need to say yes or no for other people. Their decisions are theirs, and yours are yours. But, to make it a little easier, here’s some things we CAN say no to:

• You can say NO to the feeling of rejection. It’s not you. Move forward to another thing, plan, person, event, book…it doesn’t even really matter.
• You can say NO to reaching out. If reaching out doesn’t get you a YES and there are other situations that do get you a feeling of fulfillment, that’s where you can put your time and energy.
• You can say NO to kryptonite. In fact, you can run the entirely opposite direction. I wouldn’t fault you. But it’s just so attractive – and painful. And could probably ruin you. I’m just saying.
• You can so NO to situations that don’t provide instant gratification – emotionally, physically, sexually. Pick a poison.

We can’t control the decision making ability of others. We can only control how we feel and act through any particular stimuli from the outside world. And it’s not an exact science, as much as I wish it was. As much as I want to walk away from situations that are confusing and painful and weird, sometimes it’s not that easy. And so, the best advice I can give is to say NO to the feelings and say YES to something else, anything else, until the people you want to say YES to can say YES right back.